thoughts..

life is turning around in cycles. whilst you might have been experiencing one side of it the time will pass and you should not get surprised spotting yourself on the other side of the river. If you hurt someone - you will get hurt. If you love someone - you will get loved. Etc etc ad infinitum.

sometimes my thoughts are too deep and controversial to make them public.


then I just skip them.

I was talking to a friend yesterday. I figured out a lot of new features and views inside. they are almost ripen. ready to give some juice out, for free. I was not talking in that way for a very long time, and feeling it now gave me a perspective. a perspective of change inside. of cleaning and purification which has taken place for last two years. sometimes it was catharsis, sometimes it was fun. after all I am sure someone will appreciate the result. if I live a little longer.

sometimes I am afraid that someone possessing high level of cognitive abilities can collect me from pieces and understand. then I get relieved. nobody is interested in it.

I have a lot of ideas crazy enough to be interesting for implementation. which is good. achieving my goals will take some time, and this is perfectly in line with what I desire. for now. we will see for later.

sometimes I am not doing anything. just being.


to be open is good. to tell everything is good. if you don't leave anything inside - you might find yourself empty. that's why I am happy that lately I have some things not only to tell about, but some to keep silence about. it gives a whole new dimension of personality. whole new area to discover.

I am just letting myself out on these pages, even though only partially. it helps reflecting changes. clarifying threads. making predictions. helps to understand oneself.

I should write a book.

p.s.

I have a feeling that I am turning into machine. my actions are being repeated up to reflexes and subconscious behavior. less and less I need to think of doing something - instead I spend more time just watching my actions. like in the movie, where camera is fixed to someone's head. I am pursuing something that still can cause some feelings, some strong perturbations. Achieving simple goals adds propulsion moment to my days & nights. but in the same time they are using the quota of satisfaction, making me put my goals and ideas even further, even broader, even crazier. but I know that there would be no end to this motion. the more goals I achieve the craziest they will get. this is not something I am worried about. it is ok. I am distracted by thought of having no direction. no lighthouse showing me the coastline, no ground lights stealing runway from darkness to show it to me. in other words - I can choose my direction myself. and there is nobody to criticize, advise, laugh at or admire these decisions, these steps and goals. where will they lead me - I am anxious to see.

see you on the other side, let me just break in through..